


kuroo is a kraft single

by iaeger



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, as well as banter, emphasis on pretentious oikawa, lovely banter, pretentious oikawa (as usual), sitting in kuroos car au, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 02:35:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3157961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iaeger/pseuds/iaeger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Kenma does is he has all of these little habits: chewing on his nails, biting the skin off his lower lip, mutilating the hell out of his straw when he gets a strawberry shake at McDonald’s – the only kind he’ll ever drink. And what Kuroo does is tries to figure out whether or not Kenma realizes he draws so much attention to his mouth all the time.</p>
<p>College AU of sorts where Kuroo has no idea how to catch Kenma's eye, and ends up asking Oikawa for advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	kuroo is a kraft single

**Author's Note:**

> i love the idea of kuroo and oikawa being super close, but also excruciatingly annoying to one another. that's basically what fueled this fic. that and my love for kuroken.
> 
> i really had fun writing this tbh too though like i sat down and wrote the first couple paragraphs and got super into it... i got so deep in the zone...
> 
> feedback is always much appreciated.

What Kenma does is he has all of these little habits: chewing on his nails, biting the skin off his lower lip, blowing bubbles and softly popping them, mutilating the hell out of his straw when he gets a strawberry shake at McDonald’s – the only kind he’ll ever drink. And what Kuroo does is tries to figure out whether or not Kenma realizes he draws so much attention to his mouth all the time.

“It’s fucking erotic,” Kuroo’s saying, stuffing in half a protein bar and still managing to keep up a steady conversation with Oikawa. “Is it just me? Or is his mouth truly like, outstanding.”

“I think you just need to get laid,” Oikawa says, sipping on his tea. Not the cheap, sugary bottled shit, no. Freshly brewed and chilled. He even has this pretentious, twenty seven dollar water bottle to go along with his prissy tea habits. It’s a _glass_ water bottle, supposedly encased in some earth saving rubber contraption to provide optimal hand grip. Kuroo doesn’t understand.

“You’re probably right.”

Oikawa’s mouth curls into a smug smile around the straw – yeah, the water bottle has a built in straw – and he swallows, the bob of his throat somehow as haughty as the look on his face. “He does have nice lips, though, I agree with you on that. They look soft, and they’re a nice shade of pink.”

“Right?” Kuroo shoves the rest of the protein bar in and crumples up the wrapper, the food doing little to prevent him from grinning at the thought of Kenma. And fuck, he can’t even bite his cheek with this lump of chalky granola in the way, his go-to technique to wipe off a smile. He turns away from Oikawa instead, leaning down to grab his own water bottle from the floor of his car, which is inexpensive and plastic and filled with pure water, untainted by leaves.

Oikawa’s eyes are on him like glue, though, and he’s chewing arrogantly, swallowing a mouthful of lettuce with the same air he announces his follower count or some shit. Which Kuroo knows is actually a pretty impressive number. “You like him.”

“I like him?” Kuroo asks convincingly, receiving a light elbow to the shoulder when Oikawa scolds him on his sarcasm. “Grace me with more of your brilliant conclusions.”

“I was about to.” 

“I didn’t realize you weren’t done.”

“I didn’t realize you were so obsessed with insulting my sentence delivery.” Oikawa takes another sip of his tea when Kuroo snorts, the ice clinking against the bottle. “But listen. If I can see right through you, Kenma can see right through you. He doesn’t take any of your flirty-flirt ‘I’m a stud’ bullshit, unlike half the schmucks you hit on.”

“He doesn’t take anyone’s bullshit, Oikawa. And you can see through anyone.”

“Exactly.” Oikawa stabs his salad, bending the plastic fork so hard Kuroo fears for its life. He wonders if it was actually a good idea pulling this guy into his love affairs. “And _exactly_. Why else would you have come to me if not for my stellar intuition?”

“Your dazzling good looks.”

Oikawa pops a cherry tomato into his mouth, ignoring the fork full of massive lettuce chunks, too big for any normal person. “You’re flattering me. I’m blushing.”

“It’s what I’m here for.” Kuroo takes a swig of his water bottle, wiping his mouth and brushing the crumbs from his workout shorts. Oikawa is a decent conversationalist when he’s not jumping around the point or being fucking annoying and pushy, especially with relationships, and he’s had enough experience for Kuroo to consider him worth talking to. “And the people I flirt with aren’t schmucks.”

“You’re too much. And yeah they are.” Oikawa’s still surveying those giant pieces of lettuce and decides against attempting to eat them, instead using the side of the container to scrape the pieces from his fork and restart. “But what’s keeping you from going after him? Kenma?”   
Kuroo sighs, and Oikawa prompts him with an encouraging noise, politely swallowing before continuing to speak. “Why don’t you ask him on a date? Like on an obvious date, so he doesn’t over think your intentions?”

Kuroo makes a noise this time, a high pitched hesitant one, and Oikawa tosses his hair to the side, the jerk of his head precisely conveying his inflated ego. Kuroo wants to weep perfect tears.

“You’re single as _fuck_. You’re a Kraft Single, Kuroo, and you’re almost on my level of charming, and you can’t even ask Kenma out on a _date_?” 

Kuroo cocks his head. “Are you comparing me to cheese?”

“Yeah. You’re also pungent and mildly acidic.”

“Yeah? Well you’re...” He lets his sentence trail off, his failed comeback falling so flat it’s like a kick in the chest. “...An asshole.”

“Sharp. The word you’re looking for is sharp, Kuroo.” Oikawa smirks, bringing his feet up to rest on the black dash, shoes thankfully remaining on the floor, in easy distance to hock a loogie into. “Expand your vocab.”

“We can’t all be professional cheese tasters.”

“What do you do with your free time? Oh that’s right – wallow in misery over your boy crush.” Kuroo wants to wipe Oikawa’s expression right from his face, as he’s basically radiating pompous to the sun and back at this point, and that one stung a little. “Now you’re scared _because_...”

“You’re comparing me to cheese.” If Oikawa’s going to play dirty, so is he.

“And why am I comparing you to cheese?”

“Because I’m a Kraft Single, and I can fuck anyone I want as a Kraft Single.”

“Who have you even gotten with?”

“You.”

Oikawa’s fork pauses in front of his mouth, and he lowers it, gazing out the windshield like drunk hookups are cherished memories. “That was once.”

“I’d argue an entire few weeks following.”

“So you’re saying you don’t want to date Kenma because you want to get with me. I’m not surprised, honestly. I’m pretty gorgeous.” He uses his fork hand to roll up his sweatpants, displaying his unmarred, slender calves, and Kuroo pulls his hands through his hair.

“You’d be lucky if I said yes but unfortunately, no.”

Oikawa hisses like his rejection burns. “Harsh, Tetsurou. Remember the last time I called you that?”

“Do _you_?” 

“You’re salty as fuck today.”

“Resorting back to the safety cushion of your cheese puns?”

“More like current slang of the teenage population. But good on you for recognizing that. You’re getting there. You just have to spend a few weekends with me at that shop downtown. They do free cheese and wine sampling.”

“You’re gay.”

“Says the guy with a crush on a pretty boy.”

“Says the actual raging homosexual.”

Oikawa just shoves the last of his salad in his mouth. “Says the _actual raging homosexual_. Listen, it’s been a real joy bantering with you – a riot, a hoot and ten hollers. But I have actual duties aside from letting you bask in my presence and heaven sent advice.”

Kuroo leans back against his seat, rubbing his eyes, the car suddenly too crowded for the both of them. “Tell me what to do before I turn on the car in seven seconds, and then I’ll consider you an angel.”

“You’re giving me the length of a Vine to explain the intricate workings of Kenma’s heart?”

Kuroo forces the key into the ignition and Oikawa lays a hand on his wrist, a flicker of actual emotion present in his eyes if Kuroo looks hard enough, which actually isn’t that difficult. He’s known Oikawa since the beginning of high school, making his fake smiles and laughter painfully easy to detect, and his natural ones simple. He wonders how early Oikawa started keeping up his constant façade, because as time goes on, he seems to become more soft, or maybe he’s just comfortable around him, now.

“I’m giving you the length of ten vines.”

“Perfect.” Oikawa inhales deeply, finally setting his salad aside. Clouds are darkening the sky, a few lone raindrops splattering on the window behind him. They’ve been sitting here long enough for the weather to change, great. “Don’t force it. Don’t stress out. Give me his number so I can talk you up.”

“You mean so you can hint at the fact I like him,” Kuroo says skeptically, taking Oikawa’s drink and taking a tentative sip. It’s refreshing enough, for glass water bottle iced tea. Although for a container so great he expected a deity to come down and bless the sip.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Fine.” Kuroo grabs Oikawa’s phone, clad in a diamond case, and punches the digits in, watching Oikawa take it back and type in _Kozubae_. “You’re terrible. Text me when you text him. And don’t say anything obscene.”

“Would I _ever_.”

“Debatable.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not exactly sure where this is going yet but if you're into seeing kenma's point of view of all this shenanigans, stay tuned. more plot will definitely be revealed in the future, not just kuroo's teeny car and oikawa running his big mouth, lol.


End file.
